Right after I had Soren my body began to shake uncontrollably. I was in shock I believe, although no one told me that, they just piled warm blankets on top of me. My mid-wife sat down next to my bed and said: "you probably don't know what to think about what just happened, it will take time to sink in, but what I want you to remember is that you can do incredibly hard things."
Miriam's birth was spiritual, Byron's birth was humorous, Soren's birth was empowering.
Both of my previous births had gone well, and fast. My mom had advised that during labor I stay home until the contractions "drop me to all fours and I howl at the moon". I took that advice, both previous times, I stayed home enduring the contractions only going to the hospital at that very last moment when you can get an epidural. Then my babies came fast and furious into the world Miriam about 5 pushes, Byron only 2, never in the delivery room more than 2 hours. I had good experiences with both births and really can't complain about having an epidural. Good, fast, painless births and easy recoveries. But I craved a different experience. I have always been in awe of the human body...the intricate systems that sustain life, create life, and heals wounds. I wanted the experience of having my body do what it has known how to do from the beginning of time. Also....I HATE needles, IV's, catheters, and monitors...all reasons for me to go naturally with this baby.
I didn't read any books, take any classes, or do much reading. My mid-wife said that my body would handle everything...all I needed was someone to guide me through the process and tell me how much longer to endure. I felt confident in her, and in my body. I also thought that as the time drew nearer I would do some research, but I never did. I was so preoccupied about the baby NOT coming that all my reading went into inducing labor, rather than enduring it.
After Soren failed his week overdue stress test, we were whisked away to labor and delivery. The baby had to come out today we were told. This was terribly disturbing to me, I wanted to do whatever was best for the baby, but it felt like all my options were closed and the hospital was in charge. It was obvious the hospital was thinking of hooking me up on pitocin. I didn't want to attempt going natural on pitocin since it makes contractions harder and stronger than usual. The admitting nurses didn't seem very happy when I said I needed to talk to my mid-wife and wanted a room with a tub. I was holding back tears until they left us alone in the room. I cried, and then Darin gave me a beautiful blessing in the bathroom (where no one would disturb us). Things changed after that, my strong wonderful mid-wife came and I felt like I had more say, and would be listened to. I was hooked back up to the monitor. Guess What? Everything was fine, the baby didn't need to come out that day after all. But since we were already checked into the room, the baby was obviously big enough to come, and my body had progressed since the last check, we decided that my mid-wife would break my water to start labor.
It worked immediately. I had felt a few contractions before, but then they started every 8 or so minutes harder and consistent. Darin and I walked the halls of the hospital counting contractions. In 2 hours I went from 3 centimeters to 6 centimeters. It was painful, of course, but nothing I hadn't experienced before, and it was fun to spend so much time with Darin laughing and talking. Luckily, my mom had followed a spiritual prompting to come watch the kids during my stress test, so she was here to stay with them when I was induced. HUGE RELIEF.
The next hour stopped being fun. I lost my sense of humor as I went from 6 centimeters to 10 in 60 minuets. My mid-wife had thought it would take double or triple that time so she was back at her clinic thinking she would get to me in plenty of time to help me through transition and beyond. The contractions piled on top of each other harder and stronger and more intense than anything I have ever felt before. I told the nurse to call my mid-wife, and please please for the love of everything, could I get in the tub!! Darin was there trying to make me breathe, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to clinch up into a ball and pass out. I remember saying "ouch ouch ouch ouch" over and over, shaking uncontrollably and shutting my eyes tight. Our nurse was pretty annoyed with me, she also seemed to think things would take longer to progress, and I am sure the thought of me "acting" like that for 2 more hours made her roll her eyes in disgust.
I earned her respect in the end. By the time my mid-wife arrived she said I had maybe 5 more contractions (which I didn't think I could do...I really didn't) and the tub was out of the question. Two contractions and two pushes later Darin leaned over and said quietly "it's a boy...it's a boy. You are amazing, your body was made to do this". Then Soren was on me, and I have hazy memories of nursing him while shaking and shivering, holding his little 9 lb body tight to mine.
The nurse was so much kinder after that! Enthusiastic even, like she had enjoyed herself. Darin thought the whole thing went much better than he had expected (he was thinking screaming and yelling). It turned out to be much harder than I anticipated. I had gone through much of labor in previous pregnancies, but nothing compares to that last hour before birth. It was the most intense, painful experience of my life. Truthfully, thinking of doing it again frightens me. I hope I would be brave enough, and strong enough to do such a hard thing again.
I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting this story. I have noticed that most women don't want to hear about natural births. Some say it's stupid to go through the pain, and some say it's unnecessarily dangerous. I guess to these people I would compare it to running a marathon. Running 26.5 miles is unnecessary, it can be dangerous, not everyone can or should do it. It takes endurance, focus, determination. It's incredibly painful, and pushes you past what you think you can handle. Why do people run marathons? From what I have heard, it's a lot of the same reasons people have natural births. You do it because the human body was made to do it. Because the sense of empowerment and accomplishment is worth the pain. Because there are benefits in endorphins, hormones, other positive physiological responses. Because knowing you can accomplish hard things increases your self-esteem.
I have loved all my birth experiences. Miriam's peaceful, spiritual birth is sacred to me, laughing through Bub's labor and delivery with Darin was delightful. This birth was hard, and scary, but it gave me a sense of accomplishment I haven't felt in years. I am proud of all of us, me Darin my mid-wife and Soren. We made an awesome team.
I can do hard things.
