I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better
by Gary & Joy Lundberg
(I tried to post a picture but can't get it to work ARGH)
I don't think I could ever love a self-help book. They are too painful for me to really enjoy because I think of the many things I want to improve on. I spend the book in uncomfortable reflection, which is good, but not fun. So, I don't love this book but I do love how it helps my relationships with those around me. I really do believe everyone would benefit from this book.
The title sounds a bit harsh I think, when you don't understand what it's referring to. It brings an image to my mind of someone who doesn't want to help or care and is taking a stand against it. It is not at all like that. The example the book gives is of a child who skins their knee and runs to her mother. The mom will hug and listen and say she is so sorry, maybe get a band-aid. She listens and gives sympathy but the physical pain remains with the child. We can all figure out our own solutions to problems, we just need someone to sympathize, to care, to notice. The book says that when someone is telling you a problem, refrain from giving any advice at all. Just listen, and listen, and listen, and understand what is being said. People don't need PMA's (positive mental adjustments), they will bring themselves back up if they feel understood. If you have some REALLY good advice you wait until the next day to call the person and tell them you have thought of an idea that might help. I swear it works.
This isn't my first exposure to the Lundbergs. They gave a conference in Boston while I was serving my mission there. At the time I was "training" a new missionary. I had only been out 2 months (the training period) so even though Sister Stull (my "greenie") was amazing I felt completely overburdened. I felt like I needed to be perfect and I needed to have all the answers. We went to hear the Lundbergs speak, I enjoyed it immensely but only half listened because I was thinking of all the other things we needed to do that day. Sister Stull had just received her bachelors degree in Marriage and Family Counseling (I believe...Stull correct me if I am wrong) so this stuff was right up her ally. I do remember Sister Lundberg saying "go to the depths with someone", let them get it all off their chest, but then let them pull themselves back up. I was interested, but filed it away.
Later that week Sister Stull must have mentioned a struggle she was having, I don't remember what it could have been, but I immediately started pouring on the PMA's "You're doing great" "Don't worry about it" "It's not that bad". She just looked at me and said "Go to the depths with me here sister". It finally clicked, Sister Stull is an intelligent, happy, motivated person. She didn't need me to answer her questions, or help her forget her problems, like all of us she just needed to vent them. I hope I became a much better trainer, and missionary in general after that. Thanks for the lesson Stully!
It's been 8 years since I learned that lesson. It was forgotten until a month ago when I took a parenting class where the instructor suggested reading this book. I realize more than ever that I am deficient in the listening, and too quick to give advice. I'm working on it, I just wish I had overcome this shortcoming before having kids. It seems all my faults have been amplified since becoming a mother.
